Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Birth by Blogging

OH MY JESUS I'M STUCK ON THE INTERNET!

It's okay, calm down, I'm okay. But mark your calendars because today is a new high (low?) for me. I have been typing at this keyboard for ruffly seven hours! "My god man, how is that possible?" you ask. Well, I have learned the art of being a super blogger and I am prepared to share with you the secrets of how to become an internet sensation like you can bet your sweet ass I am soon to become. If you bought Syd Fields' book, then you should be reasonably impressed with my false claims as well, at least enough to read on.

First you need to pick up a computer of some kind with a connection to the internet. It's pretty easy to find one, but keep in mind it needs the following features to function appropriately:

1. It's near a bathroom, or window if you're ballsy
2. You're allowed to consume alcohol and boil water there, which will come later. And
3. There is awesome music nearby.

The music is very important to keep you going through the boring stretches without news and updates. Unfortunately, reputable blog sites (like this one!) don't have a little box to post what your listening to like livejournal does. The reason of course is no one gives a shit about your music taste until you're filthy rich.



The next important step is to have access to ramen or some similar food. I am currently hitting the Maruchan Instant Lunch pretty hard. Also the rum. I found a great deal on rum and CVS today and if you didn't know this about me, I have a soft spot in my heart (liver) for rum.

I'm going to break for a little tip here: notice I mentioned the brand of noodles I was eating? Do this when you blog as well so when the billions of people who search for popular instant noodle cups go online they will stumble upon your blog.

The next thing to do is bookmark ten awesome blogs to rip off. Trust me, it's how they got their information anyway. This is how internet news works:

1. The event occurs and the people directly involved tell their friends.
2. Their friends, being douchebags, sell the story to a reputable source.
3. The internet discovers this information and fights to post it again, first.
4. Everyone else blogs about how it makes them feel.
5. YOU blog about how it makes you feel.
6. Someone below even you cuts and pastes what you wrote into wikipedia for people who don't blog (unterneters) and for the aliens to conveniently read about our history after we blow ourselves up.

Speaking of blowing ourselves up, it's sometimes a good idea to get political, which brings us to tip #2: Decide if you're political. I am not. I am not referencing the presidents decision to send more troops out or his stance on the Maruchan corporation, I am merely referencing the known fact that we will eventually not be here anymore that has been established in great science fiction many times over, often adapted into a film starring Charlton Heston.

Okay, here's the last big step to mastering the internet. THERE ARE SECRET GOVERNMENT RUN SOFTWARE PROGRAMS THAT MONITOR ALL OF YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES AND ALLOW YOU TO POST TO THEM ALL, SIMULTANEOUSLY! No longer must you have a tab open for every place you constantly post trash on the internet. Use these tools to tweet out things like, "I have a new blog at this website", or whatever. That way you will build your fanbase of loyal subscribers (abbr. RS's) by constantly telling your half friends out in the ether about yourself and your funny blog.

Hopefully this has been helpful in helping you to master time and space like I have (believe it or not, the rum did a lot of the work) so that you too may sit for an entire day in front of a computer typing important sentences that will be oft remembered for centuries to come.

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